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LaLionne

LaLionne

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Absolutely hilarious. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be funny, but it was.

The Empress' New Clothes (Trade Paperback Erotic Romance) - Jaid Black

I really needed a good laugh. I got that and then some. 

I saw this book on a list of "guilty pleasures" on a blog and decided to give it a try, because I was curious to see what all the fuss was about. I did gave it one star, because the story had no plot and characters were ridiculous, but I don't regret reading it, because it made me laugh. 

 

If you would ask me to give you a summery of this book I wouldn't be able to do it if my life depended on it. But I will give you a summery of what *I* thought this book was about.

 

WARNING SPOILERS

 

Some king from another galaxy/dimension/planet, named Zor, travels to earth. Suddenly, he sees a woman with whom he feels instant and undeniable connection, and knows that she is his true mate. There is a moment where their eyes meet and she is paralyzed instantly by his stare. Literally. She can't move. Oh, then her clothes started suddenly flying off of her.

 

"Kyra gasped in shock as she felt her clothes coming undone. She shrieked as her shirt and jeans were ripped from her body by force unseen and went hurling through the air, leaving her totally naked in the barbarian men's presence."

 

Then, he sweeps her up and brings her to his galaxy/planet/dimension/whatever. She wakes up and he explains to her that they are husband and wife now, and how things gonna be from now on. 

 

The story has no plot what so ever, in my opinion. They get down and dirty from the second she wakes up in his dimension. Scratch that, when she wakes up, she finds him latched onto her nipple, fondling her 'you know what'.

 

"Kara gawked at the brazen man's audacity. He was asleep, yes, but even in slumber he was manhandling her. Hi mouth was latched onto her right nipple."

 

Later, he puts her in a... let's call it "a gown", called qi'ka. This "gown" is a see-through, so you can see her nipples that are ready too cut glass and her lady bits. He explains to her that that's what women here wear in this place.

Blah, blah, blah, let's go to the fun part.

 

I have read quite a few historical romance books, but the language in this one sounded a little bit made up. I'm not a native english speaker so you can correct me if I'm wrong.

 

"By the tit of the heeka-beast, you know how to kill a fair mood."

 


There is a lot of sex going on. A LOT. On every fucking corner somebody is fondling somebody, someone is sucking someone's nipple or screaming in ecstasy. I thought it was too much even for an erotic novel. 

Kyra have to have genteling ceremony with Zor's brother, Kil, because she needs to feel comfortable with him, if he dies one day, his brother will takes his place. So there is gazillion pages with his brother giving her tons of orgasms.

Long story short, everybody is fucking everybody. Every time they take a bath there are servants "serving" them. If you know what I mean ;-). But those moments, that suppose to be erotic, was so hilarious that my iPad fell on the food, I thought the screen got shattered, because I laughed so hard my whole body was shaking.

 

"I remember a performer last year who was able to bring ten warriors to their pleasure at the same time." At. The. Same. Freaking. Time!!!

 

But here is the part that almost damaged my iPad. Kyra gets pregnant.

 

"B-Babies!" Geri sputtered. "I thought she was dying! Why didn't anybody tell us you hatched eggs for babies around here?"

***

"Oh my god!" Kyra cried hysterically, clapping a hand to her forehead. "I'm laying eggs. Geri, I'm laying eggs!"

***

"Where I come from, women carry their babies nine months before giving birth."

"Nine months!" Kil grimaced. "By the goddess, the eggs must be exceedingly large."

"We don't hatch eggs."

***

"Milk?" Zor looked up from Zora, his brow furrowed. "What's this milk?"

"I said," Kyra repeated, "I don't have any milk in my breasts to feed the girls with."

"Yeek!" Dak shuddered, his lips curling in disgust. "I should prey to goddess not."

"By the sands, that is night unto disgusting."

***

"How will I feed our daughters then?"

"The same as they suckled from your womb before hatching. Sweet juice."

"Sweet juice?"

"Aye."

Geris's lips pinched into one of her famous scowls. "You mean that glowing blue junk that came pourin' out of her like something in a horror movie?"

"Aye."

 

I can't. I just... Just give me a moment to stop laughing and get myself together...