I really needed a good laugh. I got that and then some.
I saw this book on a list of "guilty pleasures" on a blog and decided to give it a try, because I was curious to see what all the fuss was about. I did gave it one star, because the story had no plot and characters were ridiculous, but I don't regret reading it, because it made me laugh.
If you would ask me to give you a summery of this book I wouldn't be able to do it if my life depended on it. But I will give you a summery of what *I* thought this book was about.
Some king from another galaxy/dimension/planet, named Zor, travels to earth. Suddenly, he sees a woman with whom he feels instant and undeniable connection, and knows that she is his true mate. There is a moment where their eyes meet and she is paralyzed instantly by his stare. Literally. She can't move. Oh, then her clothes started suddenly flying off of her.
"Kyra gasped in shock as she felt her clothes coming undone. She shrieked as her shirt and jeans were ripped from her body by force unseen and went hurling through the air, leaving her totally naked in the barbarian men's presence."
Then, he sweeps her up and brings her to his galaxy/planet/dimension/whatever. She wakes up and he explains to her that they are husband and wife now, and how things gonna be from now on.
The story has no plot what so ever, in my opinion. They get down and dirty from the second she wakes up in his dimension. Scratch that, when she wakes up, she finds him latched onto her nipple, fondling her 'you know what'.
"Kara gawked at the brazen man's audacity. He was asleep, yes, but even in slumber he was manhandling her. Hi mouth was latched onto her right nipple."
Later, he puts her in a... let's call it "a gown", called qi'ka. This "gown" is a see-through, so you can see her nipples that are ready too cut glass and her lady bits. He explains to her that that's what women here wear in this place.
Blah, blah, blah, let's go to the fun part.
I have read quite a few historical romance books, but the language in this one sounded a little bit made up. I'm not a native english speaker so you can correct me if I'm wrong.
"By the tit of the heeka-beast, you know how to kill a fair mood."
There is a lot of sex going on. A LOT. On every fucking corner somebody is fondling somebody, someone is sucking someone's nipple or screaming in ecstasy. I thought it was too much even for an erotic novel.
Kyra have to have genteling ceremony with Zor's brother, Kil, because she needs to feel comfortable with him, if he dies one day, his brother will takes his place. So there is gazillion pages with his brother giving her tons of orgasms.
Long story short, everybody is fucking everybody. Every time they take a bath there are servants "serving" them. If you know what I mean ;-). But those moments, that suppose to be erotic, was so hilarious that my iPad fell on the food, I thought the screen got shattered, because I laughed so hard my whole body was shaking.
"I remember a performer last year who was able to bring ten warriors to their pleasure at the same time." At. The. Same. Freaking. Time!!!
But here is the part that almost damaged my iPad. Kyra gets pregnant.
"B-Babies!" Geri sputtered. "I thought she was dying! Why didn't anybody tell us you hatched eggs for babies around here?"
"Oh my god!" Kyra cried hysterically, clapping a hand to her forehead. "I'm laying eggs. Geri, I'm laying eggs!"
"Where I come from, women carry their babies nine months before giving birth."
"Nine months!" Kil grimaced. "By the goddess, the eggs must be exceedingly large."
"We don't hatch eggs."
"Milk?" Zor looked up from Zora, his brow furrowed. "What's this milk?"
"I said," Kyra repeated, "I don't have any milk in my breasts to feed the girls with."
"Yeek!" Dak shuddered, his lips curling in disgust. "I should prey to goddess not."
"By the sands, that is night unto disgusting."
"How will I feed our daughters then?"
"The same as they suckled from your womb before hatching. Sweet juice."
Geris's lips pinched into one of her famous scowls. "You mean that glowing blue junk that came pourin' out of her like something in a horror movie?"
I can't. I just... Just give me a moment to stop laughing and get myself together...
Mind blowing statistics. Thank you, Ceridwen.
***Hey, Daddy, here is 1 star for you***
DNF at 70%, because the story was going nowhere.
This senator guy is a total prick. I should have know it wouldn't end well for me. I mean, already on the first page, Loc fifty-freaking-five, he says:
''It was the most expensive restaurant in San Francisco, and therefor the location of my party.''
Things happened so fast I barely got what was going on. One minute he is shaking hands and thanking people for coming, and the next, this 18 year old thing shows up and says "Senator, I too have a gift for you upstairs." The weirdest part about it was the fact that her father stood right there and never even wondered what she meant by that. She knew him all her life (him and her father are best friends), but never had any kind of relationship with him. But forget about that for a second.
There is no buildup, no seduction. Few pages into the book he finds her upstairs, lying on a bed in his room.
"Don't you wanna tie me up and and fuck me, Senator Joseph?" Loc 168!!!
Is she a slut or what? Where are these skanky 18 year old heroines keeps coming from?
Senator is shocked for a moment, but couple of minutes later, he snaps out of it and gets down to business. "Get on your knees, little girl" and all that. Oh God.
- WARNING SPOILER -
The sample alone had 51 daddies in it. I should have checked that before I purchased the book.
I would smack the hell out of a guy if he would ask me to call him Daddy, but I get the appeal. Who am I to judge if that's what you're into. I have to admit, rushed or not, at the beginning, daddy-thing sounded hot. But it got old pretty quick. Daddies just kept coming and coming (:-D). She called him "daddy" 144 times in the book.
They start this bizarre daddy-and-his-little-girl affair, sneaking behind everyones backs. He keeps it a secret because it wouldn't look good for his career, if anyone finds out, and also his best friend, her father, would castrate him, for spanking the sh!t out of his little girl on a regular basis. Isn't there some kind of unwritten rule between guys, that they don't f@ck each others daughters??? If not, they should have one.
Sex scenes were nothing new. It's the same thing over and over again. You read one, you read them all. And there is A LOT of them. The guy is like a Duracell bunny, always hard. In some scenes not even a minute goes by and he is:
My cock became rock hard again instantly.
Her swollen lips got me hard again instantly.
"I'm sorry it's over, but on the bright side," I said, kissing her ear and then whispering into it, "I'm ready again."
And she, Mackenzie, just kept coming and coming and coming. There were couple of gross scene, which I'm not even going to quote. Something about her lying in a pool of her own... whatever.
Don't even get me started on her fantasizing about Santa f@cking her at eleven years old. Then him, telling her to "come here, little girl and suck Santa's c@ck."
"Mmmmm, yes, Daddy," I moaned, wiggling my hips.
"That's enough of that, little girl. You have worn Santa's cock out." :-D :-D.
What kind of christmas stories were her father reading to her?
In the parts told from, Maxwell's, uhm.. Santa's, I mean Daddy's, no, Mr. Senator's... crap, Joseph's pov, author tried to portray Mackenzie as young, inexperienced and innocent girl. We are talking about the same girl who asked Mr. Senator to f@ck her only couple of pages into the story, right? Innocent she is not. I thought it was ridiculous. She is young, but she is also the biggest slut I have ever read about.
Five months into the relationship, he finally asks her to go out on a date with him. Wow.
But here is the disturbing part. There were couple of times where our Senator thought she looked too mature, too grownup, I don't remember his exact words. He thought the clothes she was wearing made her look older, and he wanted her to look younger. From the descriptions of her I got the picture that she looked like an 18 year old, but this sicko wanted her to look even younger. That is just sick.
I need to mention Mackenzie's father, Maxwell's best friend. He is a complete douchebag. I don't think it was author's intentions to make him look that way though. I thought his character wasn't very well thought out. He does have a good relationship with his daughter, but he is very inappropriate and completely clueless. He talks to Max about women, making all kinds of inappropriate jokes and comments, while his 18 year old daughter is standing RIGHT THERE next to them.
When Maxwell asks him if he can take Mackenzie to Paris with him, he says "Yes, sure". Remember, they are keeping their relationship secret from everyone, so the father doesn't know. Max says "She'll be bored here anyway, let her come to Paris with me." Mackenzie even books one hotel room on the phone, while her father stands and listens, saying "Well, I couldn't get two rooms on such a short notice." He never picks up on anything.
Here is why it was a problem for me. Mackenzie's father is the guy who provides women for Mr. Joseph. Because, you know, he is the Senator, he can't go looking for little girls to spank and f@ck, himself. So he does the dirty job for him. He finds women who are into the same things Max is, dresses them up like school girls and brings them to his door. I would call him Maxwell's personal pimp.
So get this, knowing that his best friend gets off on tying up and spanking little girls, he lets his 18 year old daughter go to Paris with him, without even giving a second thought. WTF?
But enough of this negativity, here is some good news: first time BUFU doesn't hurt. Ask Mackenzie. She thought it was f@cking fantastic :-D. Joseph was so amazing, that once, he just looked at her, told her to come, and she did. I'm not kidding. No touching at all. Couple of seconds later she was standing in the pool of something. How about that :-D?
There is a lot sex going on, but not much else. When they finally get out of the bedroom, all you get is this:
As much as I wanted to pull over and fuck her senseless, I wanted to get to know her more.
Our conversation was light, talking about our likes and dislikes.
Well, I'm glad Mr. Senator got to know her, but what about me, the reader?
"This morning we'd toured one of the most prestigious art museums in the world and had intellectual conversations about the pieces," Ugh!
I'm not sure why, but this Max guy reminded me of Anthony Weiner. He just didn't know when to stop. Yuck :-S.
I did not like it at all.
Up back to Amazon it goes.
And Vincent's watching him, watching him do this to me.